Monologues4Kids

Gerrie will write Custom Monologues to order!

An Original Custom Monologue will help you stand out from the crowd.

“Own the Moment”

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" . . . . . . . I begged my parents to let me quit. I cried. I threw temper tantrums.  But they keep making me go. They say honorable men don’t quit. Men? (spread arms)  I’m a little kid.  They say I’ll thank them some day. (confused)  I have no idea what they are talking about.  I guess I need new parents.  Maybe I can order some on Amazon.  That’s where Mom gets everything . . . . . . . "

"My Daddy calls me his little Princess.  That was cute when I was a 3 year old.  But now I’m almost 4.  (big eyes) That’s really old.  I think it’s time to tell him the truth.  (very determined)  I hate Princesses!  They ALWAYS get captured and a Prince ALWAYS has to rescue them.  (roll eyes) . . . . "

". . . . I giggle all the time. I guess you could say I’m a very happy person.  But my Mom says I giggle too much and in all the wrong places.  So I HAVE to stop giggling.  . . . . ."

" . . . . (Look shocked)  Not a proper pig?  (very defiantly)  I am a very Proper Pig.  And so I said: “Proper Pigs always giggle.” (Fall down on the ground and giggle) “Proper Pigs sometimes snort. Though I do not.” (Snort very loudly.) "And Proper pigs always jump in muddy puddles. Even the Queen jumps in muddy puddles.” (Jump about a little) But you must wear your boots!” . . . . "

" . . . . . Back to my plan. After we have our bowls of porridge, I’ll provide the entertainment. I was thinking of taking a nap which I do very well, or breaking a chair, which I also do very well. (irritated at another interruption, hands on hips) What is it now Little Miss Muffet? (shocked) What? I am not boring. Sitting on a tuffet and being scared of spiders is boring. No one is scared of spiders anymore. (shake finger at her) You should be scared of climate change . . . . . . . . . "

" . . . . . There are fabulous new dolls like Wonder Woman Barbie, which comes with a headdress, boots and armored bracelets. (cross arms in Wonder Woman pose and say) “I will fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.”  (Then fling arms wide and make an oops face) Sorry sis, I was just practicing my moves.  Or the new Boho Barbie.  I love her hair. (smile as you do a peace sign) “Peace is cool.”  And there’s so many more! . . . . . . . "

"  . . . . . . I'm the Blue Fairy.  Sweet (curtsy with big smile) adorable and I make your nose grow if you tell a lie. So why does everyone keep lying to me? 

" . . . . And ten minutes ago the puppy knocked over Mommy’s Precious Moments cabinet. (bug eyes out and shake head sadly) It’s a massacre in there. Dear Guardian Angel.  What do I do? (Tilt head thinking a little) Maybe the puppy could rescue me from a well like Lassie.  Parents seem to like that. (look up and cringe as if hearing a very loud sound) What was that? (look offstage horrified)  No, not the TV! (Look back at audience) . . . . . . " 

" . . . . .  I’m not doing it. (shake head stubbornly)  Not this time.  (pleading voice, drop arms and gesture)  Why do Humans think that the ONLY thing I want to do in my life is chase that ball?   (Take one step forward)  Have you ever tried to put a ball in your mouth. (tilt head)  Wait.  Do I smell hamburgers? (excited voice)  I love hamburgers.  (look around and then pick up ball)  Where’s that ball? (use slightly louder voice as if yelling back)  Humans, I have the ball.  . . . .  Can I have a hamburger?  Please?  Please?  (start to leave and then turn back and with a big grin say) I just love being a dog!"

"Nothing!  I see nothing! Our Teacher told us to go outside and look up in the sky. Then we were supposed to draw whatever we saw in the clouds. (look up) I looked up and saw clouds.  Fluffy, floating clouds. (spread arms)  So that’s what I drew. . . . . . . 

"I was a very good girl last month.  Perfect at school, perfect at home, as Mary Poppins would say I was “Practically Perfect in every way”. . . . . But I’m not sure what you say to a Princess. What if I say something wrong?  I better practice.  "Hello Cinderella.  Are you wearing your glass slippers today?  Because if you lost one again, I’ll help you look for it.  Maybe you should wear shoes with straps.” . . . "

" . . . .  So I guess I have a boyfriend.  (smile, perky happy voice)   He brought me a cupcake for lunch and we held hands.  (scrunch nose a little)  His was really sweaty.  But then he tried to kiss me in the playground.  (disgusted)  Ewwwwww.   I had to punch him and tell him (shake finger)  NO KISSING!  That’s disgusting.  He said okay. . . . . . . "

" . . . . . . . Hello.  (wave)  My name is Little Miss Muffet.  (curtsy)  Yes, (sigh) that Little Miss Muffet. (singsong voice)  “Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey.” Which are really disgusting by the way but my Mommy made me eat it.  It’s supposed to help me get muscles. (hold up arms in muscle pose and look at arms as roll eyes)   It’s not working. . . . And I guess you know how it ends. (singsong voice)  “Along came a spider who sat  down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away.”  And now everyone thinks I’m a scaredy cat. (mocking tone of voice) “Run away Little Miss Muffet.  (make an evil face with hands in claws)  Watch out or the Spiders will get you Little Miss Muffet.”  Errrr.  (clench hands in fists)I have to show everyone how brave I really am. . . . . . 

". . . . . . .Seriously?  Barbies are for babies.  (Puts hands on hips and then ask imploringly) Why can’t my parents see that I’m not a little girl anymore?  They keep treating me like a baby. Yesterday, I even had to have a tea party with my Dad.  It was horrible.  He pretended he was drinking tea and he kept talking to my stuffed bear.  (Use high squeaky voice) “Do you like your tea Mr. Boo Boo?  I just love my tea.”  (Pretend to drink with a big slurpy sound and then shudder)   I think I’m still traumatized. . . . . . .I may be only 8 years old but in my heart I’m totally a teenager.  I wonder if it’s too early to ask for driving lessons.  (Pose with big innocent eyes and cutesy face)  Oh Mom!  (Look straight at audience)  After all, I’m a big girl now!"

" . . . .  Life was truly sweet.  I loved Mouseland.  And then one day I heard the awful news.   (Open eyes wide with horror) The Mitchells had bought a cat.  A CAT????  I threw myself to the ground in despair.  (Actor throws himself down on stage and pounds fist on stage)   How could this happen?  This was a cat free zone.  And then, suddenly (sit up in terror) there it was.  The Cat!  I took a deep breath and prepared to meet my maker when the Cat said: (talk in surfer dude voice)

The Cat didn’t want to eat me?  He wasn’t evil?  I’m very confused.  Life in Mouseland will never be the same.   (Sniff air) Wait.  Is that CHEESE?   . . . . . . "

"I’ve decided to become a Star. (Strike a dramatic pose with one hand in air, the other on hip as you say the word “star” dramatically) Yesterday our teacher told us to think about what we would like to be when we grow up.  What I want to be?  How do they expect me to choose? (grab hair dramatically) . . . . I could become President.  You get to tell people what to do and I’m very good at that. . . . . But, after considering all my options,  I’ve decided that  being a Star is the way to go. Money (rubs fingertips together), beautiful clothes (twirls around in a circle) and everyone would adore me. (Poses as if for a picture and blows kisses at the audience).. . . . ."

" . . . . I’ll need a hit video.  I can picture it all now.  The lights come up and there I am, gazing intensely into the camera.  Fireworks explode around me as I walk forward and . . . . . . . and . . . . . . wait!  Should I start singing or should I keep staring?  I could give my “I feel the pain face” (hands are fisted as you bend body a little making an angsty, emotional face) and then my “I’m so tragic face” (twist features into sad look as you relax body lines and curl into yourself) and then go into my “But I’m still so cool” face. (cocky face with hands on hips) Hmmm.  Maybe hire some Disney kids to sing backup? (Shrug) Oh well, I’ll figure it all out.  And as soon as I go viral, my name will be on everyone’s lips. . . . "

"My Mommy says that I’m a big girl now. That I’m growing up and now I can do chores and be responsible. Chores?  Be responsible? (pace back and forth) I’m confused. I already pick up my room.  Well, (tilt head to one side) I pick up my clothes and put them in the laundry sometimes. Did she mean I have to do the laundry now? (eyes widen with panic) HOW DO YOU DO LAUNDRY? . . . . . . . . ."

" . . . . . Maybe my new master is another poor boy like Aladdin.  And I’ll need to whip up a big entrance for him with elephants, dancing girls, and camels.  Lots and lots of camels.  But watch out.  (sneaky grin) Camels bite!  Then he can ride into the city and win the Princess and they will live happily ever after.  But no more evil villains like Jafar.  Bad guys are soooooooooooooo annoying. . . . . . " 

" . . . .(Look up sharply) What was that? Someone is trying to get into the Castle. (look terrified and start flailing around) Help!  Help! We have Burglars! Someone call the Beast. Hurry! Roll me out of here. (Suddenly stop all movement) Wait a minute. What am I doing? (clap hands twice) Attention!  Attention everyone!  A stranger is trying to break into the Castle but there’s no need to worry.  The Chipinator is on the job . . . . . . . . ."

 " . . . But the absolute worse fate would be to be assigned as a Tooth Fairy.  (Incredulously)  Spending my entire life picking up dirty, grungy teeth?  (Firm and with attitude) I don’t think so.  (Look up nervously)  Here they come.  The suspense is killing me.  (Pause and bite lip nervously)  . . . . . ."

"I can’t remember how old I was when I fell in love with horses . . . . .When I was 6 years old, I told Santa I wanted a horse for Christmas and asked him why it was taking him so long?  But again (shake head sadly) no horse under my tree.  (confused expression) I didn’t understand.  Was there a horse shortage at the North pole? . . . . . . " 

" . . . . The Wind is talking to me again.  About flying.  That sounds wonderful.  I think I would like to fly.  But not with a kite.  Silly wind!  Kites are not very sturdy.  What if the kite crashed into a tree?  I’ll have to think about how to do it and then let the Wind know what I decide.  After all, being Mary Poppins means the Wind listens to me!" 

" . . . I have to write a short story for school.  The Teacher said to use my imagination.  Mom said that means to make something up.  (confused) About what?  I asked my brother and he said (sound like older brother)  “Go away dork. You’re annoying me.”  . . .  Maybe (sneaky grin) I’ll make something up about my brother . . . ."

"Butter, sugar, flour (counting off on fingers and then eyes widen)  Wait!  Where are my eggs? (Look around and then with wide shocked eyes say)   Logan!  Stop juggling my eggs.  Those are for my cake.  (clench fists and mutter)  Brothers. . . . . . .I know I’m going to win First place at the Baking contest.  Fame, fortune and Top Chef are right around the corner . . . . . . . . "

"Little do my parents know, but I lead a double life. Quiet student by day (look innocent) and superhero Dinoboy by night. (Hands on hips, standing proudly) . . . . . . . Bob, gets easily distracted.  I blame it on his tiny, pea-sized brain. (gesture with fingers showing a tiny amount) Yesterday, we were on a mission and he got mad at a pterodactyl and started chasing it. (Throw arms up in air in frustration)  I kept telling him “Bob!  Pterodactyls can fly and you can’t.” but he just wouldn’t listen.   He’s like (speaking in a surfer dude voice) “Whatever dude.  I want that bird.” . . . . . . "

"I’ve been rolled up in a closet while the Sultan’s relatives visit. . . . . .  The kids are ALWAYS asking me to give them a ride. And because I’m a nice Carpet, I do.  But this is what I have to put up with. (talk like a bratty kid.  Scrunch face up and whine) “Go faster, faster!  You’re too slow.  This is boring.  Stupid carpet.” But I don’t think they’ll be asking for any rides in the future since I (draw the word accidently out with emphasis) accidently dropped the last kid into the palace moat.  (Big smile and then look innocent) What?  (spread arms)  There was a wind current.  NOT MY FAULT. . . . . . . "

"“Slightly battered horn.  Useful for calling sheep.  Buy it now for $20.00. Bidding ends 6/26, 12:30pm.” . . . . . .  I’ve decided to become LITTLE BOY BLACK.   And instead of some dumb horn say hello to Mr. Crossbow.  I mean what good is a horn anyway? You blow it, people come running (fling hands up in air sarcastically)   Woo Hoo.  But with a crossbow I can be a hero.  (Aim imaginary arrow up in air to side to side as you say) “Ka pow!”  Swallow this Mr. Wolf. “Ka ching!”  In your eye Mr. Troll. .  . . . . . . "

"No!  No Mickey!  No, no, no!  (Stop looking angry and look determined) There.  That wasn’t so hard.  I can do that. I’m so tired of being (cute pose) “Sweet Minnie Mouse”.   All I ever say is (give big smile) “Yes Mickey.  Of course Mickey.  (Clap hands) That sounds wonderful Mickey.”  . . . . . . . . . .    Yes Mickey, I’m ready to go.  (Sigh and start to walk and then determinedly stop and repeat the stomps as you say the no lines again)  No!  No Mickey!  No, no, no!  I don’t think you look nice.  That bow tie looks silly.  I am not going to the photo shoot.  I have my own plans today.  I’m going to go . . . um . . . . . . SKYDIVING!  And other dramatic things . . . . . . . . "

"Put me down!  Careful, careful, watch the ears!  No (shake head) I do not want a 

" . . . . . . (Whining)  Too many rules. The list goes on and on.  So please. (pleading tone with hands clasped imploringly)  I’m begging you. Stop loving the Supernatural.  Don’t buy the books.  Don’t watch the movies. We are not cuddly. (stamp foot) We are sneaky and scary and you should run.  After all, an angry elf is not to be trifled with. (Hands on hips with fierce expression) That’s my Supernatural Rule.  Don’t mess with an angry elf. (Pause) Please?" 

" . . . . Every day I keep hoping that this will be the day I’ll FINALLY have an adventure.  (look around stealthily) Maybe today bandits will attack us and grab Jill demanding all our money.  I’d be so cool.  (stand with swagger)   I’d be all “Dude!  Wazzup?  (wink) Nice day for a robbery.”  And then I’d casually saunter closer (take a couple of steps)  and then Hai Yah!  (Jump and do karate kick while yelling Hai Yah) Ka Pow!  (Do quick fist, fist punch)   That will teach you to mess with Jack.  Jack 1, Bandits 0. . . . Or . . . . . . . . . maybe when we got to the top of the hill, the well would be surrounded by slithering snakes.  And Jill is screaming and going (change voice so you sound like Jill and jump up and down all scared and frantic) “Ew, snakes.  Ewww, Jack, Do something!” . . . . . . . 

"Hello. Would you like a piece of candy?  I’ve got plenty. (wrap lollipop in paper and put in pocket as you say the next line)  Just one of the perks of knowing someone with a candy house. (smile and then tilt head as if listening)  Tried to eat me?  (make a disgusted face)  Eww, gross. What are you talking about?  (listen and then roll eyes) Oh please, don’t be silly.  That’s not what really happened.  (place hands on hip)  Hansel!  What have you been telling people? . . . . . . . .  Hansel broke off a piece and took a bite.  BIG MISTAKE!  (Shake head) Witches do NOT like you eating their houses.  Fortunately for Hansel, (place hands on chest) I know how to treat a witch.  (say the word number one holding up finger) 

1. Grovel.  (fall to knees and do a salaam) We are so, so sorry. Please forgive us oh glorious one. . . . . . . "

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and girls! Welcome to the Circus of Wonders! (Say Wonders in a breathy, awwww tone of voice and then giggle) Actually it’s my bedroom but I like to pretend it’s a circus.  I’m going to be a Ringmaster some day, or (tilt head) maybe a talk show host, and I have to practice . . . . . . Finally, don’t forget to stop at Scooterland where you can hop aboard and experience all the wonders of Suburbia.  But please keep your hands inside the scooter when we pass the home of the Terrifying Toddlers or you could end up covered in Peanut butter and jelly. . . . . . . "

"  . . . . . . My parents, the King and Queen, give me anything I want. (count off on your fingers) A pony, the latest Iphone, a closet full of designer clothes, my own water park, (spread arms) anything my heart desires.  It all sounds great doesn’t it?  Trust me, it’s not.  (Clench fists in anger)  I hate being a Princess!  I never get to go anywhere alone, everyone pretends to like me and people won’t stop bowing which means I have to keep curtsying. (Curtsy two times)   My back hurts and I’m starting to get dizzy.  (Rub back then get dreamy far off look in eyes). . . . . . . "

"Finally!  I thought that trip down the Nile would NEVER end.  I love my family but they are always arguing.  Who’s the most powerful God?  Who has the best animal head? (lean forward as if telling a secret) I voted for the Cat Head but don’t tell Anubis.  He’s so touchy.  And every single day Ra had to jump up on the edge of the barge and yell “I’m the King of the world!” (Spread your arms in the Titanic pose).   It’s so embarrassing.  (roll eyes) . . . . But every time I mention taking up my goddess duties, my parents just pat me on the head and tell me to go ride a camel and to stop bothering them.  But some day I’m going to be the best goddess ever! . . . . . 

"Stop taking pictures!  Go away!  (Unfold arms) No, I am not cute and cuddly when I get grumpy . . . .  . . . . . Why am I so popular?  I just don't get it.  I'm Grumpy .  . . . Oh no.  More tourists.  Quick Grumpy, think evil thoughts so they will go away. (Make grumpy, evil faces as you say each name) Let’s see. . . . . . Justin Bieber . . . . .  Brussel sprouts . . . . . . . Lawyers! . . . . . . "   

" . . . . . . . And they ALWAYS have to be rescued by a Prince. Every single time.  The Princess usually starts brave. (Put hands on hips)   “I’m the Princess, I must save the day.”  But one scene later and it’s (look around terrified as you speak with a quavering voice)  “Help me.  Save me Prince Charming, Prince Eric, Prince whatever your name is.” What a bunch of weinies!   Save yourself! . . . . . . . ."

"Christmas is coming and the requests for Honeylicious are piling up.  I’m trending #2 at the North Pole.  (frown)  Something called Bitty Baby from American Girl Dolls is in the #1 spot.  (unbelieving)  I don’t want to say cheating but who would choose a Bitty Baby over me?  I’m fresh, I’m sassy, and I have fabulous hair.  I’m the perfect gift. . . . "

" . . . . . . I don’t see why I can’t play with other dinosaurs. Maybe I’m not asking right.  I do have a very tiny brain. (look up and wave) Hi Ricky!  (Quickly turn head as you wave again as if someone has ran past you very fast) Bye Ricky!  That was Ricky the Raptor.  He’s really fast.  And totally cool.  Everyone likes Ricky  . . . . . .Maybe I should add some swag? (Sound really cool bouncing a little with swag and attitude) “Yo!  Steggie! (Point with attitude)  Love the spikes!” . . . . . . . . 

" . . . . It was different back in the olden days.  Princes got to have lots of adventures. They would slay dragons (swings imaginary sword in the air), fight giants (doubles fist in air and jabs a few times), and save the kingdom from evil invaders.  Because there was always someone sly and sinister who pretended to be your friend but was secretly trying to take over the kingdom.  But they would never get past me.  I can picture it all now.  

(Brave, superhero face and stance, heroic voice)“Why hello, my trusted companion.  How are things in my kingdom today?”

(Sneaky, evil face with crouching body stance, sneaky voice) “All is well your majesty.”

(Brave, hero voice) “Then why are your evil minions trying to sneak into my castle?  (Give a karate kick) Hi yah!  (Pose again with hands on hips) Guards!  Take this traitor away!" . . . . . . "

" .. . . . . . “Hello I’m selling . .  (look of disgust)  Hold your baby for you while you get a pen?  EWWWW!!!  (Hold arms straight out with elbows locked as if holding baby away from body)  This baby is leaking.” . . . . . . . "

" . . . .Yesterday she followed me to school and it was a disaster. (wide eyes with unhappy face)  The teacher, Mrs. Jack Sprat, glared at me and the kids wouldn’t stop laughing.  (Point finger as if a school kid and make the baaa words sound like a lamb baaaaing)

" . . . . . I wasn’t giving up.  Maybe I could have an outdoor pet.  My first idea was a squirrel.  They look friendly.  I decided to catch one and make friends.  But squirrels are really fast.  Like The Flash fast.  Forget squirrels.  What about a bird?   But no matter how much I sang to them, no birds flew over to braid my hair.  I’m writing a letter to Disney about false advertising . . . . . "

" . . . Why does anyone believe this stuff? It doesn’t make sense. So I decided to conduct a scientific experiment. I’ll write a letter to Mary Poppins too and see what happens. Day 1. According to the legend, Mary Poppins flew in right away on her umbrella. (look around up in the air) I don’t see any magic umbrellas in the sky.  It’s not looking good for the Mary Poppins fandom.  Day 2. Still no Mary Poppins.  I decide it’s time to post the truth on Instagram, hashtag #marypoppinsisafake.  I start typing but suddenly my phone was gone and I was holding a banana.  (look shocked) What?  I look up and there she was.  Mary Poppins. . . . . "

" My family is annoying.  My older brother Brad is (Jock attitude/expression) Mr. Sports with straight A’s.  My little sister Taryn is (Artistic attitude/expression) Miss Artistic with straight A’s.  And then there’s me.  I’m happy if I get a C.  (whining) I don’t want to go to a cabin in the woods and bond.  Why can’t they just go off and do their thing and leave me home alone?  . . . .   I have to pull a Kevin.  . . . . . . I can’t wait to tell my parents (do the Kevin smirk as you say the line)  “Keep the cabin, you filthy animals.”

"Today I discovered Cotton Candy heaven.  One sip of Starbuck’s Cotton Candy Frappucino and I understood why my Mom HAS to stop at Starbuck’s every day. Now I need to stop at Starbuck’s every day.  But does my family support my new addiction? (shocked face)  No! My Mom told me I can have all the Cotton Candy frapps I want as long as I pay for it.  My brother had a laughing fit and my Dad wants to sign me up for therapy for my (change voice as you say strange & disturbing) “strange and disturbing addiction”. (sarcastic) Thanks for all the support family. . . . . . . . . "

" . . . . . . There’s just one teensy, little problem.  I think I’m afraid of heights.  We went to a theme park last weekend and I’m finally tall enough to ride the big roller coaster.  But (start looking terrified) as we started going (look up) up and up and up, I started thinking “This is too high.  Help!  Let me out of here!”  Afterwards, my brother pretended he didn’t know me.  And there may have been some kissing of the ground.  Not my best moment. . . . . . . . "

" . . . . . it turns out dogs don’t really like to teeter totter.  We spent ages trying to get them on it but they kept jumping off and then I ended up slipping and falling in Princess Isabelle’s doodle.  Ew! So my dog TikTok channel is still a work in progress.  I’ve decided to focus on the title first.  (very dramatically)  “Raiders of the Lost Doghouse”?  “Daisy’s Excellent Dog Adventure?”  “The Masked Dog Dancer?”  I’ll have a poll up later this week.  Everyone be sure to vote.  And keep an eye out for Daisy.  The next Dog Superstar!"

"Hi.  I’m Cathy and I’m your Study Buddy for your first day of school.  I’m actually your “Welcome to school and I’ll show you around so you don’t get lost Buddy” but that’s a little long.  So (shrug shoulders) I went with Study Buddy.  (gesture with one hand)  This is the Playground.  Remember to stay away from the Bully Corner.  We have two of them.  Dena is from somewhere in the South.  (use Southern accent) “Git off that swing.  My Mama was a Pumpkin Patch Princess and when I grow up, I’m gonna be one too.  And Princesses always git what they want.” . . . . "

" . . . My Cat started talking and she had so much to say that it took all night.(emotional face) Who knew Cats had so many feelings?(Squinch face up thinking and again very dramatically) A herd of rogue rabbits attacked our house and started eating everything in sight, including my homework. The only thing they left was (disgusted face) Dad’s stinky sneakers. . . "

"I think my dogs are spying on me.  (wide-eyed fear) I am freaking out!  I saw a video on Tik Tok that talked about how (change voice to sound suspicious) dogs are always watching us.  And it’s true!  I woke up this morning and they were looking at me.  I ate breakfast; looking at me.  I played Call of Duty; still looking at me.  They never take their eyes off me.  My dogs are spies!  . . . "

". . . . My life is over! (Very dramatically, over the top) I’ll just lie here on the ground (fling yourself down on the stage so that you are flat on your back, arms flung wide) forever since I’m never going to meet my tree. Goodbye cruel world. (Wait a few seconds and then sit up looking bored) This is really boring. (stand up) I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to find my acorn. Maybe it was one of the Squirrel Gang. They’re always stealing nuts. Maybe they stole my acorn. (starting to get angry) How dare they! . . . . . "

" . . . . Dear Mother and Father. Please let me come home. While I appreciate the opportunity to learn about America I’m afraid it’s not quite working out.  Apparently I (say this in a surfer laid back hippie voice) “suck at football dude” and (say this in a clueless, cheerleader girl voice) am “A Total Fashion Disaster”.  . . . . . . Also, you have not answered my phone calls for the last 6 months.  Have you moved?  Please don’t leave me here any longer. Aunt Edith and Uncle George watch reality shows every night. And I really don’t want to know who is going to win Big Brother  . . . . . . . . ."

"Now, why should YOU become a “Crazy Cat Girl”?  I’m glad you asked.  Because (spread arms wide) everyone needs a brand.  You want people to remember you.  Know what?  People remember me.  Because I am a Crazy Cat Girl. . . . . . "

"Are you scared?  Are you trying to stand still and not move a muscle so I won’t see you and eat you?  Of course you are.  (give some attitude)  I’m a T Rex.  Top of the food chain.  T Rexes eat other dinosaurs like you for snacks. (tilt head to one side) Hmmm.  Am I feeling hungry?  Yea, you better run.  I’m terrifying.  My life is great! Except at school.  My life at school is miserable.  Every dinosaur at school picks on me because of my small hands.  . . . . .And then there are the jokes.  Every day it’s (change voice)  “Hey guys.  High five everyone.  Oops sorry Rex.  Low five for you.”  Then they laugh.  .  . . . "

" . . . . . I kicked and bowled and dribbled and carried balls. Lots and lots of balls. But no matter how hard I tried, (sadly shaking head) I am not great at every sport. Maybe it’s not my fault. Maybe there’s something wrong with my hands.  A rare disease that causes me to drop balls.  That’s it!  (excited) I can picture it all now.  The doctor will walk over to my Dad and say (very dramatically like a TV doctor) “ Your son would be great at every sport but he has the deadly dropballitis disease. He can’t hold a ball. . . . . I have to find a sport I can be great at.  Water polo?  Netball?  Tennis?  They all have balls!  WHY DOES EVERY SPORT HAVE BALLS?  . . . . . . "

" . . . I have a problem. The Earl’s son sent me a message. (recite very sweetly) “Curlylocks, Curlylocks will you be mine? You shall not wash dishes nor feed the swine.  But sit on a cushion and sew a fine seam and sup upon strawberries, sugar and cream.” (Back to normal tone with a confused expression) Did he fall down and hit his head?  Me.  Sit on a cushion and sew a fine seam?  I hate to sew.  I would rather be captured by a dragon.  And I like feeding the swine.  Pigs are very intelligent you know.  They always try to trample my brother because they know he is a bully.  Maybe I’ll send a message back.  

" . . . . Besides, I already know what I want to do with my life.  (Stand with hands on hips, confident expression)   I’m going to become a famous adventurer.  As far as I can tell, no one has adventures anymore.  The world needs me! . . . .

 . . . . . . . I'm even ready to stand tall and laugh in the face of danger, no matter what it is.  I can see it all now.  I'll pretend to play along and make some snarky wisecracks just to show how cool I am (cock head with cool expression) But suddenly (bring arms dramatically forward)  I'll escape and totally whomp Mr. Big Bad.  (pause and look thoughtful) I should probably learn karate.  . . . . . . . ."

"When I was born, my parents were thrilled I was a girl.  They already had two boys so I was destined to be their Pretty Little Princess.  They said:  (say in a very girly, super sweet voice) “Remember girls are Sugar and Spice and everything nice.”  (make a face)  My bedroom looked like the color pink exploded in there.  Everything was pink.  (lean forward as if telling a secret) Even the toilet paper.  (close eyes shuddering) When I got older they put me in dance class.  They started with Ballet.  The teacher said to plie like a flower.  I tried. . . . . . . "

" . . . . And on and on and if you answer one thing wrong, you’re branded as a geek or weirdo. I refuse to go through that again.  I have to become cool.  Everybody likes the cool kids. (Hold one finger up)  

    Step 1.  Look cool.  I ripped up my jeans and I borrowed my brother’s hair gel.  (Touch hair with expression of disgust on face)  It feels like a cat threw up on my head, but I totally look cool. . . . ."

"  . . . . . . Marrying a Prince?  What kind of requirement is that? You can’t put that on the list. Maybe someday I’ll marry a Prince after I go to college and become a doctor. Or a ballerina.  I haven’t decided yet.  But you can’t make that a requirement for a Princess because it violates the Kingdom constitutional right to marry anyone.  Look at Princess Fiona and Shrek.  She married a Troll! . . . . . . "

"Does anyone know the way to the jungle? One day I was there, playing with the animals, and the next minute I was surrounded by people. They said they had to rescue me from my terrible tragic life. (Squinch face confusedly)  I don’t know what that means. (shrug shoulders)  But they were nice and their food is amazing.  (look dreamy) Mmmmm!  Coconut pie!  But then they said I had to go to school so I could learn how to be a proper boy.  And they made me wear shoes. (glare at shoes) I hate shoes!    . . . . "

"Why hello! Welcome to the Bunny Run. I’m Detective Bella Bunny.  Come in. (very proud)  Yes, this is the finest Detective agency in town. . . . . . . Tell you about myself?  Well, I don’t want to brag but I am the best detective in town.  Ask anyone.  The beavers, the raccoons, the foxes - no wait.  Don’t ask the foxes. They’re still a tiny bit upset about an incident that was definitely not my fault. (clear throat to change the subject) Ahem.  Let me tell you about some of my cases.  . . . ."

"It’s People Watching Time! When the gates open at the Zoo, the People think they are coming to watch us. Hah! Maybe that’s true over at the Cat Cage. Those tigers are the Next Top Models of the Animal Kingdom.  (swing head around and pose) Take my picture People. Because I look grrrrrrreat! (Roll eyes) Tigers. 

But at the Monkey Cage, we watch the People. Of course, we never just sit around and watch. (spread arms)  We’re Monkeys! We watch and we have fun. . . . . . . And it works every time. I get all kinds of food thrown at me even though there are signs everywhere saying Don’t Feed the Monkeys! (Spread arms) What can I say? I got talent. . . . .

“Look at me.  Look at me now.  It’s fun to have fun so . . . . . . .”  So......... go buy a cow?  (Shake head looking confused) No, that’s not right.  So everyone meow?  No, that’s not it either.  (grab head) Why can’t I rhyme?  (looks down and eyes bug out) And why am I so small?  Did someone shrink me?  Thing 1, Thing 2, where are you? (worriedly)  This is bad.  This is very bad. (Strike a Cat in the Hat pose)“ Thing 1, Thing 2, why am I small?   I need a ladder just to be ball.” (get angry & pace a couple of steps) Ball?  No, that’s not right . . . . . . . ."

"Wake up.  It’s time to bloom.  Reach for the sky.  Unfold your petals.  You know blah, blah, blah.  (scowls out at audience)  I’m a Fairy.  A Flower Fairy. The flowers are supposed to hear my voice and bloom.  But they don’t.  (shake head no) They never bloom.  The other Fairies say there’s something wrong with me.  (change voice) They say “You’re not a proper fairy. You need to flitter.  You need to start thinking Fairy thoughts.  And most of all, stop singing those silly Pop songs of yours.  You are a Flower Fairy not a Pop Star.  So sing like a Fairy.” . . . . . . "

" . . . . So after alot of arguing (roll eyes), we compromised and decided to paint a unicorn. It looked beautiful. . . . We had saved the neighborhood. Just like the nuns. Everyone was going to love us! (dramatic pause)  No one loved us. No one even knew what it was. (change voice to sound very dumb) “Is that an alien? Dude, did we get invaded last night?” (change voice to sound like a scared little kid) “Mommy, there’s a monster on the wall! I’m scared!” . . . . . . . . . "

" . . . . . . My Grandparents are already working on my pirate name.  So far most of their names all have the word blood in them. (disgusted tone) I don’t want to be Bloody Ben.   That’s disgusting.   Can you imagine what it’s going to be like when I’m a teenager?  (change voice and swagger a little) “Hi. Want to dance?  My name? It’s Bloody Ben but (change voice to sound panicky) . . . wait, don’t leave.  . . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . .  I’m not going to become a pirate.   I’m not going to be Bloody anything.  I’m going to be a doctor.  You want some yo hos? “Yo ho, yo ho, a doctor’s life for me.”

"Behold!  (Put arms up in an intimidating manner) I am Phelan the Dragon!  
(menacing voice) Tremble before me!  (Look around and then sigh) No trembles.  No one ever trembles.  They laugh.  Just because I’m little.  I hate being little!  I am a fierce dragon.   When I spit fire, I can destroy villages.  (tilt head to one side) Well a small village.  Maybe a barn.  And my claws.  (hold hands out in claw position) My claws can rip you to pieces.  (looks at hands in dismay.  His nails are painted blue) My baby sister did this.  She’s going through her Barbie phase and she’s bigger than me so I couldn’t stop her.  (yearningly)  If only I would grow. . . . . ."

"Hello?  (Looking around) What a strange place. Hello? Could someone help me? I need a Ball Gown.  (Smile sweetly)  My Prince is throwing a Ball for me.  I was looking for the castle seamstress but I seem to have gotten a little lost.  This castle is so much bigger than the dwarf’s cottage.  I opened a strange door and here I am.  (look confused).  At (say this very slowly as if unsure of the pronunciation) something called Bloomingdales.  (React as if suddenly seeing someone)  Oh hello.  My name is Snow White and I’m ---- oh my goodness are you alright? Were you attacked?  Half of your garment is torn off of you.  (look confused saying crop top as if you never heard them before) A crop top?  Oh.  (Shake head sweetly but confused)  No, I do not believe I would like a (say crop top slowly and distinctly) crop top for the ball. . . . . . . . " 

"Everything is fine. Everything is okay. (suddenly look panicked and worried) Who am I kidding?  Everything is not fine. Everything is not okay. I’ve lost my Pom Poms.  My special, good luck pom poms and this weekend is Pom Pom Perfection.  The competition our Cheer Team has won for the past two years.   I need my good luck pom poms.  (desperately)  What am I going to do? Our coach told us we had to rehearse every day this week.  I lost my Pom Poms on Monday.  On Tuesday, I decided to just rehearse with whatever I could find. . . . . . ."

"Ariel was right.  Legs are pretty cool.  (wobbles a little shakily again before finding balance )   Kind of wobbly though.   But I had to get away.  The Sea is impossible right now.  Everyone is so caught up in the Triton Festival that I can’t even swim in peace.  I tried to swim over to the seaweed maze but the whales are all practicing their belly flops to see who can get the biggest splash.  They’re all: (say in surfer dude voice standing with cool attitude)

" . . .  Dear Fairy Godmother, Please let Justin Bieber fall in love with me.  (groans and rolls her eyes)   Not again!  (Sighs and in a loud tone of voice) Attention teenage girls of the world. . . . . . . . .  Dear Fairy Godmother.  Please let me meet a vampire who I can share true love with forever. Humans, listen to me.  Vampires are not nice.  No matter what you read or watch on TV. (grab your neck with both hands)  They bite your neck and suck your blood out until you are dead.   Why does no one think about these things?  . . . .   Please change me into a Superhero so I can join the Avengers.  Besides,  I would look cool with a cape . . . .   (Picks up wand and waves in air) Granted.    I hereby dub you . . . . . uh . . . . Squirrel Boy?  Frogman?  I’ll have to work on it. (gleeful expression as rub hands with delight) This is going to be so much fun!"

" . . . . . . . Okay let’s see.  I have my warriors ready, my weapons are all put together and the next step is building the dragon.  Wait.  Where’s my dragon kit?  It was right there on the table before I went to school today. (start panicking)  Mom!  Mom!  Where’s my dragon kit?  I have to have it.  Without dragons my ninjas are just standing around looking stupid.  (Listen and widen eyes incredulously)   The dog ate it?  Seriously?  This can’t be happening.  (Grab head in woe) I’m going to fail.  (Pause and then say sarcastically) Oh very funny.  Ha, ha, my mother the comedian.  You know, the American Board of Pediatrics does not approve of giving heart attacks to your children.  Can I have my dragon kit back now? . . . . . . . ."

" . . . .  You see today was my very first day as a FIT. (Lean forward and stage whisper) Fairy in Training. I’ve been waiting for this day forever. . . . . . .But somehow, things didn’t go the way I thought they would. (Sigh) . . . . . .You see Fairies have very strict rules about interacting with humans.. . . . Fairy Rule Number 1. Fairy Dust is strictly forbidden. (Bite lip with guilty eyes)  I only used a little. Truly. And I thought this rule only applied to humans.  Who knew that flying kittens were against the rules?  (Perplexed face). . . . ."

" . . . . . .  I was supposed to write a paper about Shakespeare last night. (pull paper out of pocket) I wrote:  “Shakespeare has a lot of plays. People talk a lot in his plays. People also die a lot in his plays.” (Look up with wide, panicked eyes) This is terrible! I can’t write! (Unbelieving) Why didn’t anyone ever tell me I can’t write? I don’t want people to say “Make way, make way for the King of Soccer WHO CAN’T WRITE.” . . . . . ."

"It’s not easy being me.  I mean yes, I am absolutely adorable.  But, the problem with being known as Little Red is every Tom, Dick and Harry Wolfe thinks he will be the one to finally capture me.  I’ve tried everything to make people stop including sweetly reasoning: “Please don’t grab me.  I’m on my way to Grandma’s House and I don’t want to be late.” Stern language: Actress stands sternly, shaking finger and speaks in a tough voice.  “Stop that right  now! I’m going to be late!  But nothing works. . . . . ."

"Dear YouTube viewers.   Remember when that kid Kevin got left behind in Home Alone?   He was so lucky!  My parents just took me, my brother, my teenage sister, and our dog on a road trip.  (spread arms)  Why wasn’t I left behind?   My Mom said we’ll have lots of fun.  We’ll stop at cool places on the way.  (hands on hips)  Hey  Mom!  You shouldn’t lie to little kids. . . . . . "

"This is it! My first Swim Meet. I’ve been dreaming of this moment all my life. (drop hands and dreamy expression) No, that’s not right. I didn’t dream about swimming when I was a baby. (shrug) I don’t know what I dreamed about then. Anyway, (clasp hands again dreamily) I’ve been dreaming of this moment all my life except when I was a baby. (drop hands and dreamy expression)  No, that’s not right either.  I didn’t dream about swimming when I was 5.  I dreamed about being Jasmine.  I really wanted a magic carpet. . . . . " 

" . . . . today the teacher asked me to play a girl in our school play. (outraged voice) Seriously? She tried to tell me I was the only actor good enough to do it, but this was the last straw!  I am not a girl. (Clench fist and stamp foot in anger) So, I’ve decided it’s time to bring a little boy power into my life. I’ve made a list of ideas. (Pull list out of pocket)  

Step 1: Talk like a famous movie tough guy.

A. “You talking to me?  I said, are you talking to me?” (Speak like Robert  DeNiro in Taxi Driver. Hold finger out pointing at audience)

B. “Go ahead punk.  Make my day.” (Speak like Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry.  Squint eyes like Clint does)

Step 2: Be ready to wrestle over anything. . . . . . . "

" . . . . . What is the meaning of this? This article is all wrong. I am not a (actress looksdown and reads from paper) "Cute, blonde, criminal who has no respect for personal property." Criminal? That's not me. (Gesture at chest and then clench fists and stompfoot with each not) Not, not, not. (Take deep breath and smile)

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lose my temper likethat. Let me introduce myself. My name is Goldie (giggle) and yes, I did fall asleep inthe Three Bears cottage but there was a very good reason for that.. . . . . ."

" . . . . . .Why is Batgirl last? I fight crime. I battle villains. I should not be last. It’s true I don’t have a superpower. I don’t turn green and hulk out. I’m not superfast and I can’t fly. But I am super smart.  Batman and Robin get trapped all the time and I’m the one who saves them  And I have something no one here has.  My utility belt! It has everything. Snacks: Because sometimes it takes FOREVER to fight the bad guys. . . . . . My Phone: Because sometimes you need to google how to escape a dungeon full of crocodiles. . . . . . "

"Let’s face it. It’s not easy to be me. Perky, Straight A student by day (pause and add with attitude in voice) well if we don’t count PE because hello? Who runs a mile in 88 degree weather? I refuse to do that to myself. Anyway, perky student by day and (strike a pose as you say Pageant Diva) Pageant Diva by night. And trust me, being a full glitz Pageant Diva is hard, hard work. I mean, I could spend all my time posting on Instagram like everyone else in my class. (with attitude)  But no.  I am out there working it.  . . . . ."

"My governess just gave me this.  It’s a list of rules. Princess Rules.  All the things a Princess should be.  She says I need to study it and become a better Princess or I will disgrace my country.  (spread arms wide)  I’m 9 years old. How can I disgrace my country?  (look at list)1. A Princess is noble. (look up) Noble?  What does that even mean? (speak in a snooty voice) “Oh yes, my great, great whatever Grandfather did chop off your great, great whatever grandfather’s head.  Let’s be noble together and have tea. . . . . . . . .  . "

" . . . . and it must be said that my life is practically purrfect (roll r’s a little when you say purrrr) in every way. . . . . . then an utter disaster occurred. (Outraged voice) The teenager brought him a puppy! . . . And the next thing you know I’m being followed everywhere by this bouncy creature who never leaves me alone and keeps drooling ALL OVER ME. (Gesture at self) . . . . . . . But today, somehow (voice starts breaking, quavering a little) the puppy got out of the house and ran into the street. And there was this car and . . . .So they have to fix him. (Stomp foot) I demand it. . . . . "

" . . . .  Is that girl wearing a flowered dress?  We’re going horseback riding not having (speak in a British accent while pretending to hold a teacup with one pinkie lifted) “tea with the Queen”.  And excuse me?  Yes you (point finger) with the ripped jeans and the shirt with holes in it.  I know we’re outside and it is more casual but we’re not going to be rolling around in the dirt. (put hands on hips)  Have a little respect for your horse! . . . . . . . . . " 

" . . . . . every fairy . . . .  must leave their birth flower and seek out their forever fairy home. . . . .But nowhere seemed to be her forever home. Not with the beavers.  “Dude, can you build a damn?  Or chew wood?  I love a good chew.”  Not with the frogs.  (french accent) “Do you like a ze flys?  Zey are bon appetite!  (Kiss fingers to lips) And definitely not with the bears.  (southern accent) “If you break one of my chairs or eat my porridge, you are out of here!”  Where was her forever home? . . . .  "

" An IQ over 160.  Gifted.  So much potential.  Your life is perfect. (big sigh) . . . .  I’m not like everyone else.   At school the classes are easy so I don’t always pay attention.  Teachers hate that. (change to sarcastic teacher voice)   Not paying attention again Miss Collins?  You’re going to end up on the streets, homeless and begging for food money.  (throw yourself to floor with one hand up and plead) “Please sir, can you spare any change?  I haven’t eaten since Tuesday.” (Stand up) That’s your future if you don’t (shout) PAY ATTENTION.    

" . . . . .  Every time Grandpa visits it’s always the same thing.   (act out Grandpa, changing face and big booming voice)  “Tina!  How’s my little Brainiac?  Have you won that Nobel Prize yet? And Kate!  My little Superstar!  You deserved an Oscar for that last performance. (clutch chest dramatically)   I was sobbing.”  Then he looks at me.  “And . . . .  and . . . my other little granddaughter! (do ootchy voice as if talking to a puppy)  How’s my widdle sweetie?”  And then he ruffles my hair.  (clench teeth)  Every single time!  I am so tired of being the “the other one”.  I  need to be something . . . . . "

" . . . . . . I’m not prepared for my presentation.  (Panicked voice that rises with each line in desperation) What if I fail?  What if I get put on the loser track?  What if I end up working at McDonalds asking “do you want fries with that” for the rest of my life?

    (Take a deep breath and settle down and then say with determination) Deep breaths in, deep breaths out.  I can do this.  I’ll just . . . . improv.  Let’s see, my presentation is about the Middle Ages.  People were uh . . . poor, dirty . . . . . . . . . . "

" . . . . . . . Then we watched Bring it on again because it totally rules and decided we had to create our own Sleepover cheer.  We only got as far as (say this in perky, cheerleader voice.  Can add in cheer gestures if you like pumping fist up into air) “We’re awesome!  We’re great!  Our Sleepover kicks your face.” when suddenly we heard this crashing sound in the kitchen. (Panicked, terrified voice)   Someone was trying to break into my house! . . . . "

" . . . . . . . . My family dragged me to see the movie Mary Poppins last night.  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.   . . . . .  It must have been fun to be a sweep.  Not a care in the world. . . . . . I can imagine it all now. “Good morning guvnor.  Got a chimney for me to sweep today?  That one over there?  I’m on it.”  (Sing or talk/sing)  Chim Chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cheree.  Let’s see now.  (tilt head looking confused)  How am I supposed to get in here?  Is there another entrance?  (listen and then react)  You want me to squeeze myself down in that tiny little opening?  How am I supposed to move or breathe in there?   . . . . . 

" . . . . . Maybe Grandma had witnessed a gruesome crime and had to testify against the Mob and then go into the witness protection program where she could never speak to her family again. Or maybe she was a spy and this was her last chance to see her family before she left on a suicide mission.  A mission where she had to get one vital piece of information before she was captured and never seen again.  I couldn’t wait to find out why this was her (said with dramatic intensity) “last summer”. . . . . . . "

" . . . . How long is this social distancing going to last? What if it’s years before things go back to normal? What if my life now IS the new normal? And we have to live like this for years and years until suddenly I’m old and grotty like my grandpa. (eyes widen in horror)  I’ll probably go bald like him. Yikes! (grab hair)  I don’t want to go bald! I’m pretty sure I’d look terrible with no hair. . . . . "

"I met my Dad on a Thursday. The greatest Thursday in the history of Thursdays. But he seemed a little upset. Then I found out my Dad was on the Naughty List.  No wonder he was upset. I had to help him. So (pull out a list) I made the “Buddy helps his Dad discover the spirit of Christmas so he can get off the Naughty List” List. Idea Number 1. Buy Dad chestnuts so we can roast them by an open fire. But the fire got really big and we got arrested for starting a fire in public. Then Dad said some naughty words. (wide eyes)  I think he got moved up HIGHER on the Naughty list. . . . " 

" . . . . What do I write?  Pick me because if you don’t I’ll have to spend the summer with my brother experiencing “broments”.  (Say in a surfer dude voice) “Dude, let’s jump off the roof.  It will be a broment.”  I broke my leg and had to spend the summer watching Real Housewives with my Mom.  Some day I’m going to need therapy for that.  (think a moment)  Maybe I should do a video application like in Legally Blonde?  . . . . . No.  No, no, no.  They’d probably put me on a “never choose him for anything” blacklist if I do that. (passionately) How can I tell them to that I want to be a better wizard so I can help fix the world.  . . . . ."

" . . . . . . . Oh and Bo Peep before I forget, the Lost Sheep want you to know they are on a Disney cruise and to STOP LOOKING FOR THEM. (Look back at clipboard) Moving on . . no, Mary I don't think you and your Little Lamb should become zombies. I know The Walking Dead is popular but you just don't give off that zombie vibe. (Look in opposite direction) Big Bad Wolf could you please stop blowing things over? (look back to other side) No, I don't know any real estate agents who specialize in selling shoes  Little Old Woman. Come on, everyone get back in line. (Throw clipboard down on stagein anger) Alright that's it. I quit . . . . . . . ."

" . . . . .I’ve been stuck in this cow meadow forever. It’s worse than being captured by Jawas. Cows are very confusing. I tried to speak to one.  I am a BB12.  I speak 3 million languages. So I said: “Greetings Earthling.”  The cow licked me. I said:  “Where is your leader?  I have important information about the rebellion.” The cow licked me again. (Scowl)  I do not like cows.  I miss Luke.  I miss Rey.  I even miss C3PO.  But don’t tell him I said that.  So I have decided to send a message into the sky every night . . . . . . . . . . ."

"Summertime!  My Human is here all day.  I’m so happy.  During Wintertime the Human goes to School.  I am not allowed to go to School.  I have to “Stay Bailey”.  I hate staying!  (shrug shoulders)  But I have to.  So when the Human is at School, I guard the house.  There is a squirrel out there that (squint eyes and sound suspicious) tries to get in but I (make voice louder on the barks) bark and bark and bark and bark.  Then it runs away.  I guard all day.  (tilt head to one side)  Except for naps and food and scratching breaks of course. . . . . . "

"Mondays! (Spread arms wide)  What did I ever do to deserve to be assigned as The Angel of Mondays?  Everyone HATES Mondays. . . . . . . I know most of the Angel jobs are taken but I had a few ideas.  Like The Angel of Renaming Animals.  Think of the poor Platypus.  What kind of name is that?  . . . . . . "

" . . . I tried thinking spells but I kept thinking of random things.  Which might be why the town is full of flying cats.  I even tried magic words like Abracadabra which didn’t do anything except make me think about Aladdin and then suddenly everyone in school was singing “You ain’t never had a friend like me.  Can your friend do this?” . . . . Hey Mom, Dad about that “I am not a witch” thing.  (wincing a little as you say) I think I am a witch and I’ve had a really long day.  . . . . I need help.  Please?"

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful Princess who married the handsome Prince and they lived happily ever after.” Time out! Stop the presses! I don't want to get married and live happily ever after.. . . . .Happily ever after means boring balls . . . .  And that evil dragon? Not evil at all.  He keeps accidently setting things on fire. Then he spends the night crying outside my window about what a bad dragon he is and to please, please forgive him. And all the birds in the Kingdom won’t stop making me clothes that are really ugly.  . . .I’ve decided that I’m going to rewrite the end of my story. I want to have adventures that DON’T end when I get married . . . . . . . . "

" . . . . Yesterday Leonardo di Vinci came to see me.. . . Come.  Sit.  I will paint you.  And then the world will love you forever.” So I come. (gesture at chair) I sit. (shrug) But he does not know what he wants. . . . he said “Just smile.” So I smile. I have been told I have a beautiful smile. (Make a big exaggerated smile showing all your teeth) But the next thing I hear is (drop to knees and pound stage as you say in Leonardo voice) “No, no, no.  There are too many teeth. Why do you have so many teeth?”  (Slowly stand seething with anger) Too many teeth? . . . . . "

" . . . . Greetings royal subjects, random people who I have no idea who you are and members of the Press.   Welcome.  My PR people have informed me that I’m not very popular.  They say and I quote “People find your anger off putting.  You know the whole off with their heads thing.  No one likes you.”  (Angrily) Whatever!  (Pause, take breath and give big fake smile again) I mean how terribly distressing.  So in an effort to clear up this horribly untrue image I would like to present A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE QUEEN OF HEARTS.

"Oh dear, oh dear.  (Stop and do teapot pose as you say) “I’m a Little Teapot, short and stout. (look confused and tentative as you say) Here is my handle . . . . . (very dramatically say yo as you indicate arm)  Yo!  (Shake head and put hand up again as you say)  . . . .. No, that’s not right either.  I can’t rap.  I can’t!  Mother Goose wants everyone to do a rap video.  She saw Hamilton last month and nothing has been the same since.  She walks all over Mother Gooseland saying (say rise up very dramatically) “Rise up, rise up”.  I don’t know what that means. . . . . . "

"  . . . . .Then, they sprang Surprise Number 3 on me. They told me was time for me go to Spy School. To teach me how to react if a bad guy captures and tortures me. (wide eyed terror)  Torture?  The first class at Spy School was Dangerous Animals. Chased by Dobermans, thrown into a pit of snakes and I can’t even talk about the room full of spiders.  Ewwww!  (brush hands frantically over body)  The second class was explosions . . . . . ."

". . . . . . Dish Number 2. For my protein I created Duck a la . . . . . . . .Duck. I know it’s supposed to be Duck a la Orange but I didn’t have any orange juice or white wine vinegar or any other ala Orange ingredients.  I asked my Mom to buy them but she just patted me on the head and said go pick out a cereal.  So it’s just Duck. Duck ala Duck.. . . . "

"Dear Ilovemydog.com. (desperate face)  HELP!  I think my Mom loves our dog more than me.  I got an A on my Science test and was so excited. I burst into the house (change your voice when you are saying what the Mom says) and my Mom said “Quiet!  Bradley is having a bad day.” . .. . . . . . . And we went to Freedom Bark Park instead of Disney World because Bradley needed a vacation too. (shocked realization)  My Mom really does love our dog more than me. . . . . ." 

"This is it!  (Holds up envelope) My summer project. Part of my Mother’s ongoing quest to build my “character”. (Gesture to self)   Personally, I think my character is just fine but we live in Alaska and I think my Mother is worried that I’m going to wake up one day and suddenly decide I want to live in the woods. So every year I have a different summer project that’s supposed to help me grow and develop my character. . . . . . . .What? (yells) MOTHER!!!!!!"

" . . . . .  This is ridiculous! I am clearly the Prince. I can bow with flair, (give sweeping bow) speak to foreign ambassadors and (sway a little with hand on stomach) waltz divinely. Can this Travis person do that?  (Angrily)  No.  He’s a buffoon. He walked into the Palace and said (speak with Southern accent) “Well slap my head and call me silly. This is big. But where did y’all hide the tv?” (Back to British accent)  He can’t run Morovia.  He’ll ruin it! . . . . "

"

"Why did they give me a cell phone if they didn’t want me to use it?  . . .  So, I had to promise to do this huge list of chores today. (Actress pulls out list from pocket and reads) . . . . .Number 1. Clean my brother’s room. It was disgusting. (Make a disgusted face, scrunching up nose and act like stepping over mounds of clothing) I had to step over huge mounds of rotting clothes and empty food wrappers. And when I reached down to pull up the covers on his bed, his gerbil jumped on me. (Actress starts screeching and wiping at shoulders as she jumps up and down) Ew! Ew! Rodent! I have rodent feet on me! (Huge, shuddering sigh) And that was only the beginning . . . . . . "

" . . . . No, I am not clumsy. No, I do not have a lot of accidents.  Stop! (Squinch eyes suspiciously)  No more questions for I have determined that you are no reporter. You are actually that capricious criminal (swing head to audience again) “Catwoman”.  Drop that weapon because I have (pull out of pocket and hold up in air) Catnip. (act as if Catwomen is crawling up you) Halt! Get off me! ( fall down lying on your back on the stage.  Say next line looking up at Catwoman on top of you)You are under arrest.  . . . . . . "

" . . . . . there it was. (widen eyes) A picture of my Mother with big, poofy hair.  (Make voice incredulous) Out in public!  And her clothes.  In one picture she was wearing these furry things called leg warmers.  Leg warmers?  If your legs are cold, PUT ON SOME PANTS!  

"It’s that time of year again. The Clock Climbing Olympics! This year I’m going to win.   No more disgrace.  No more humiliation. No more  (talk in an oostsy sounding voice like you’re talking to a puppy or baby) “It’s okay.  You’re still a cute little mouse.”  I am not cute!  I am a (make a muscle man pose) fierce mouse and this year I’m going to show everyone.  I will get to the top of that clock before one and claim the “Clock Climbing Crown". . . . . . . . ."

" . . . . . If I had my way, all fairy tales would start much more dramatically. Something like (Change voice to excited, very dramatic and intense.  Wave hands around and crouch) there was blood and guts everywhere. People were dropping like flies. The zombies were attacking! Terror had turned everyone into tiny, shivering little rats. (pause and tilt head to one side)  Not bad huh?  Got you on the edge of your seats didn’t it?  I tell you if I ever decide to head out to Hollywood, I would own that city. . . . . . "

" . . . . . . Let’s interview Rob Maxwell.  As you know, Rob is the Captain of our Football Team.  I wonder what his hidden talent is.  Hi Rob.  This is Mandy Peters, Student News. What is your hidden talent?  (look confused) Why are you saying Knock, Knock.  No I don’t want to say . . . . . Fine. Who’s there?  Boo who?  No, I’m not crying.  That’s really not funny.  You can stop laughing now. That’s your talent? Knock Knock jokes? . . . . . . . . . "

" . . . . . .This bus stop is full of very strange people. Monday and Friday I have to ride with Mr. Germaphobe. (rolls eyes)   He sprays the entire bench with Lysol as soon as he gets here. And then if I try to sit down, he goes crazy! (Speaking in a prissy voice, holding hands up in protest and scooting down bench)  “No, no.  Don’t sit near me! You’re germy!” (shuddering and then dropping character and resuming normal voice) . . . . On Tuesday, the “spy” rides the bus. I don’t think he’s really a spy but if he is, he’s the world’s worse spy. . . . . . . . . . "

"Am I too late? (Pleading expression) Please, please tell me I’m not too late. You see I was delayed by a tragic frog incident and I simply have to try out.  I mean, I’m destined to become a cheerleader.. . . . I love animals but they are RUINING my life. So I’ve prepared a new list of rules for living with my Mother, the Pet Whisperer. No animals in the bathroom.  Sharing a shower with a gerbil is not as much   fun as you would think.. . . . . "

" . . . . . I am pretty fast.  That comes in handy when big, blobby things are after you. (start talking like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver and stand aggressively with attitude) “You talking to me?  Bring it blobby! You know for a Big Bad, you’re a total weinie. My grandmother moves faster than you!” (Change tone and talk normal, as in aside) Blobby things HATE it when you call them weinies. . . . . I saved the world.  (Pause and look depressed) But today?  Today I have a math test.  (Look up) Hello?  Universe?  Can I please save the world again today? Please?"

"I’m home!  (waves to one side)   Hi TV.  I missed you. And Refrigerator. You look amazing.  I’ve been camping. Or, as my parents like to say, enjoying a “Back to Nature” weekend. About a year ago they went to a seminar and since then they keep wanting to make memories to last a lifetime.  We went to India for a “Back to Hinduism” weekend. (shaking head) Cows are really not that fun to hang out with. . . . . .There were bugs everywhere. And raccoons are not cute and loveable like Disney says. (hold up one finger and say in an outraged tone)  That little beast bit me! (look up) Hi Mom. Next weekend is “Back to the Cave?” (Do a thumbs up with a fixed grin on face and then look at audience) Would anyone like to adopt me?"  

"Sir?  I’m sorry to bother you but I was wondering if I could possibly be reassigned? (pleading) I know I’m supposed to be guiding him to his ultimate destiny but (frustrated yell as grab head)  MY HUMAN IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! . . . .. Last week we went to a gathering where he dressed up as something called an Avenger. .  . . The week before that he spent hours saying things like "What did one traffic light say to another? Don’t look I’m changing.” I checked to see if he had suffered a blow to the head  . . . . . "

"Oh my goodness!  (Look around worriedly) Toto?  Toto! (Finally find him) There you are. (Hold arms out for Toto and then slowly drop)  Please don’t be mad at me Toto.  I told the Flying Monkeys you didn’t like heights but Flying Monkeys are very hard to reason with.  (Shake head sadly as you look around) The worse part was when the people from the Emerald City arrived.  They looked so green and pretty. But as soon as they walked in everybody started screaming. (yell while looking terrified)  Zombies!  It’s the Walking Dead!  . . . . "

"This is it.  My first day in the cornfield.  My first day of scaring those crows. (look to one side and then look very determined) I see one. Here I go. (make a scary face then look confused) Why isn’t that crow flying away terrified?  (gesture at face) This is my best scary face. Let me try again. (make an even more determined scary face) Nothing?  (looking around again upset ) This is a disaster.  That crow is not afraid me. Oh, if I only had a brain then I’d know what to do. . . . . . "

" . . . . . . a few tiny problems occurred during the recital. Hillary crashed into me during the jazz dance and the next thing you know (panicked face) I’m lying on the ground while the rest of the class is still dancing. I had to think fast so I did some artistic rolling looking very dramatic and hoped everyone would think it was part of the dance. . . . . . . What if I’m not on the list?  My life would be over. (despair) I can see it all now. Thrown off the dance team, living in my parent’s basement, working at McDonalds . . . . . . "

" . . . . Next, we have Joe Dule, the All American Minecrafter. Just look at those muscles. Remember:(speak in a dumb, deep, Hulk type voice, doing a muscleman pose) Joe Build. Joe Mine.  Joe Destroy. (put arms over head in victory) Go Joe! (Back to normal voice) Joe, you do know this isn’t Hulk Survivor right?  Okay, just checking. And our last finalist is that (voice gets frightened) Creeper over there . . . . "

" . . . . . . .But for me Thursday night means acting class.  I love to go to class and  become someone else.  Because if you start acting like a schizophrenic maniac at the grocery store, they will ask you to leave.  But at acting class you get applause. 

Play two entirely different characters, changing faces and expressions as you argue with yourself.

    “Do I have a split personality?  No.  Yes.  No. Sort of.  Not really.  I think I do.  No I don’t.  Okay yes.”  . . . . . . . . 

"Hello?  (actress is wringing hands and looking apprehensive and nervous as she looks around)  My name is Rapunzel and I have an appointment for a cut and style.  It’s my first time and I’m a little nervous.  (look around and see chair)  Sit here?  Okay.  (sits down nervously on edge of seat.) . . . . . . . .   (Actress jumps up in pain clutching hand ) Ow!  Ow!   Are you a witch?  Sorceress?  (put up fists)  Let’s go lady.  I am not afraid of your magic wand.  (pause as if listening) A flat iron?  For my hair.  I see.  (sits back down nervously) . . . . . "   

" I have the world’s most perfect sister. She’s cute, perky, gets straight A’s and is the president of every club and organization in our school. (Exasperated attitude)  Last year she won the School’s annual talent show with a dramatic monologue from Shakespeare. . . . . . So I decided to be completely different from my sister. I did a comedy routine. I told jokes and did my funniest character voices. (Clueless voice) Like wow!  I totally didn’t understand the question. (Twirling hair and looking blank) . . . . . . . . . . ."

" . . . . . Then we had a fender bender. The car was barely bumped but my Mother went full out Banshee, shrieking about her poor suffering babies. I’m 11! She kept shaking me and asking if I needed CPR because Uncle Tony knows how to do it. CPR from Uncle Tony? I think I’m scarred for life. And that was just the first day. There were THIRTEEN MORE DAYS of this. (Pause and say ruefully) Therapy. I’m going to need lots and lots of therapy. . . . . . . "

"  . . . . . And that was the highlight of my day.  (Counting on fingers)  I lost my lunch money, I accidently walked into the girl’s bathroom, and to top it off, Ricky pushed me into the polar bear pool.  I was terrified!  (Terrified expression as you fall to your knees)  I pictured myself being torn limb from limb.  I kept screaming “Help!  Someone help me!” . . . . . "

" . . . . .what is that building over there?  It’s the Lots of Clowns get in Very Tiny Cars building.  I’d show you around but the last Tour group is STILL stuck inside a very tiny car and there is simply no room for anyone else.  Now everyone please put on these rain ponchos as our next stop is the Clowns who Squirt Water out of Flowers building.  If you would follow me (look around and suddenly eyes go wide with terror) Sir!  Stop, stop!  DON’T TOUCH THAT DOOR!  That is the Scary Clown building.  No one ever goes in there.  Just back away slowly. . . . . ."

" . . . Next, learn know how to give directions. A good witch is always being asked where something is: Where is the lost ark? How do you get to Hogwarts?  here is the Wizard?  My secret tip? I keep my Google Map app on my wand. It never fails.  Oh and a helpful hint - travelers love it when you sing their directions. “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” is one of my hit songs. The munchkins are selling copies out in the lobby.  Bad witches never know directions and they can’t sing!  (say in screechy evil voice)  “I’ll Get You My Pretty” was a total flop! . . . . ."

"I’m free! Out of my lamp at last. (look around) Things really look different since the last time I was out of my lamp. I wonder where I can find a camel? (suddenly stop and look a little frightened) Yikes! What are these? Watch out Ma’am! That thing is trying to eat you. (suddenly wince as if being hit) Ouch! Ouch! Fine! Enjoy your death by your “taxi”. Whatever that is. . . . . "  

"  . . . . I’m writing a monologue. I want to grab everyone’s attention right away with a great opening line.  I also need to include some buzz words like Tic Tok, Instagram and uh (squeeze eyes shut thinking hard) puppies.  Everyone loves puppies.  What else?  Emotions.  I have to show emotions.  . . . . . . "

" . . . . hidden on the 27th floor is the Ion List containing . . . well I don’t know what it contains since my clearance isn’t high enough for that. (heroic stance)  But my country wants me to retrieve it and failure is not an option.  But how do I accomplish my mission?  Climb the outside of the building?  (look up terrified)  It’s really high and I did get pretty dizzy on the monkey bars last week at school.  (thinking)  I could have myself mailed inside a package to the 27th floor . . . . "

“I don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000.00 a day.”  Some supermodel said that.  I saw it online and I thought “What a great motto.”  That is going to be my motto too.   Last week I got a call for a modeling gig.  I said yes even if I’m not being paid $10,000.00 a day (dramatic pause) YET.   And since it’s September in LA, I assumed I would be modeling swimsuits or cute short outfits.  Pictures of me.  Money.  What could go wrong? (horrified face)  Everything went wrong! . . . . "

" . . . .Court is also very, very long. We have court once a week where our subjects can come to the palace and tell Prince Phillip about their problems. (count off on fingers again) The Dragons are worried about their gold, the Trolls are upset about bridges and Baron Von Valkner keeps losing cows. (tilt head confused) But I never find out why because by the time the Trolls start talking, I need a nap. (look around to make sure no one can hear) Trolls are so boring “Someone is walking on my bridge!” (Sound very bored as you roll your eyes) Bridge, bridge, bridge. I always fall asleep. But I TELL them I was just resting my eyes. . . . ."

"My brother just tried to stomp on a frog sitting by our pool.  I rescued it.  When I told my Mom she started screaming.  (flailing arms and terrified face) “Ahh!  I have Frog Fear.  Get rid of it!” (Shocked) It’s a cute little frog.  I named him Frodo and tucked him into my backpack to take to school since I didn’t want to leave him with my “murderous family”.  At lunch I tried to show Frodo to my friends. (sigh) It didn’t go well. . . . . . I guess Frog Fear is real.  Who knew?"

"This is a disaster. That (pointing) can not be put back together again. And I know who they are going to blame. (tap chest) All the King’s Soldiers, that’s who. (suddenly look out horrified) Larry! Look out! (Waves arms frantically) LARRY! Don’t step on . . . . . (squinch eyes wincing)  Ewww.  (Shake head sadly) Yea, he is definitely not being put back together again. . . . . . "

"Yesterday Jack told my best friend Rachel that he wants to hold my hand. (look at your hand wonderingly) My hand. (Smile looking dreamy and then look concerned) But I’ve never held a boy’s hand before. How will it happen? Will he just put his hand out (put your hand out to your side) and then wait for me to put my hand on top of his? (look at hand) How long will it last?  (keep hand out to side as your voice builds) 1 minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes? (finally bring hand in as you say)What if our hands get sweaty? (worried) And everyone starts calling me the girl with the sweaty hands. . . . . . . . . .)

" . . . .Am I alive? (Suddenly notice your hands are not webbed together anymore with delight) Oh my goodness!  I have fingers! I never had fingers before. I can do jazz hands! (Do a jazz hand circle and then Look up suddenly) What’s that smell? (sniff air with expression of bliss and then focus on someone) It’s you. Hello. My name is “Spring has Sprung”. What is that in your hand? Is it a new Prada purse? (look confused) A cheeseburger. (blissful smile) I like it. May I smell your hand some more? . . . . ."

". . . Let’s see the first question is from taytay. Where did you get your adorable top? (look very pleased) I got it at American Eagle because I support eagles too even though they are not as cute as Llamacorns. Next question is from Mary555.  What is a llamacorn?  Seriously?  A llamacorn is part Lllama and part Unicorn of course. (read and frown)  No, I am not making this up luvcatz. . . . . ."         

" . . . . . Three rabbits and a goat. Am I at the Carnival of the Moon?  Am I riding a roller coaster and screaming in terror?  No.  I’m pet sitting for (count off with your fingers) three rabbits and one goat. (Frustrated expression) It’s so unfair. (kick foot discontentedly)  I suppose I am technically guilty of borrowing my sister’s new outfit without permission.  And, if we’re going to get really picky, I suppose you could say I ruined it.  But honestly (spread arms in big gesture) who hasn’t fallen into a pig sty while singing (insert a current popular song here). Sadly my parents were not at all understanding.. . . . ." 

"I love roller coasters (Say a little stronger and more confidently) I love roller coasters. (say very enthusiastically) I love . . . . . . . . . Oh, who am I kidding? I HATE roller coasters. (eyes widen in fear) That long slow climb to the first drop. (big gulp) That moment when you are poised at the top of the first drop that seems to last forever. (cringe) And then the falling and whipping around and the more falling.  I HATE ROLLER COASTERS. (look nervously out into the audience) And today I have to ride a roller coaster. Or forever be known as the weenie boy who was too scared to ride a roller coaster.. . . . "

" . . . . . .I think I’ve been scarred for life. My neighbor, Mrs. Madison, was standing in front of her living room window dancing to Disco Inferno. My eyes! I think there should be an age limit on shimmying.  But that’s life on Longfellow Road. (Shrug) Everyone here is unusual . . . . . . "

" . . . . Note to self: Work on plieʹs. Moving on. Next - arabesque.  Gracefully balancing on one leg while you lift the other leg.  Hmmm. (look at legs) I wonder which leg I should balance on. (try to balance on left leg and wobble, flailing about as you try to get your balance) Clearly not that one. I guess I’m a right leg arabesquer. Now I’ve got it.  (try to balance on right leg and fall back on bottom again, same position when fell from plieʹ .  Pull out journal & pretend to write as you say) Note to self. Also work on arabesques. . . )

" . . . .Climate Change.  Does it exist?  To answer this very important question, I turned to the internet. Turns out scientists have no clue about Climate Change. I watched 5 vids of scientists arguing. (roll eyes) So boring.  “Temperature change, blah, blah, blah.”  “95% probability blah, blah, blah.”  (Sarcastic) Why would anyone want to watch this?  It should be: (Fling yourself to stage, as if you are suffering from the heat, very dramatically put hand on forehead when you say Climate change) “It’s hot.  Very, very hot because of CLIMATE CHANGE.” . . . . "

" . . . . . Okay, I can do this.  I’ll just be myself and talk. (Clear throat, overly perky)  “Hi Sarah.  Happy Birthday. Congratulations on getting older.  And uh . . . . your hair looks great.  Much better than when you were 12.”  (Groan) That sounded terrible.  Maybe I should use an accent. Girls LOVE accents and I don’t think I’ve actually talked to Sarah since 1st grade so chances are she won’t even recognize me. I could be a charming new foreign student. . . . . . . . (Italian accent with huge sweeping hand gestures) “Ma belle Sarah. You looka da great.  Your hair is lika da beautiful bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.” (Widen eyes in horror afterwards) Spaghetti and meatballs? What am I saying? . . . . . ."

"Dear Mother and Father.  Thank you for your lovely letter yesterday.  It was very kind of you to think of me and share your thoughts.  I would like to share my thoughts also. (drop sweet tone of voice and say very loudly and desperately) GET ME OUT OF HERE!  (Folds paper and put in pocket)   This is a nightmare.  My parents sent me to Etiquette Camp. Now I’m learning fun facts like (very prissily)  “The water goblet should be placed at the 1:00 position on the table setting.” (Desperately enunciate each word) I am losing my mind. . . . . . "

"Halt!  I say, halt!  (Actor trips and sprawls on ground.  Lifts head up and looks around indignantly)Why is there a litter bin in the middle of the sidewalk? I am in pursuit of a dangerous criminal and this is clearly a violation of council policies. (get up and brush uniform off, straightening things officiously) Where are you? I know you’re lurking out there.  Probably quivering in fear that you are being chased by me. (make a big gesture that should be scaring but overbalance and almost fall.  Then clear throat as you straighten uniform again) And you should be quivering because I will find you. (raise voice) Do you hear me?  I will not stop till I find you. I will track you through the dark and dangerous alleys until I find you. No one commits a crime in front of me.  And the evidence will show that I had MY hand on that last Stormtrooper when you ripped it away and fled the premises.. . . . . "  

"  . . . . . . And updated. Let’s see how everyone likes that. (listen) Mom, I am Facebooking and Instagramming. This is very important for my social status. I can’t help it they didn’t have Social Media in the dark ages when you were a kid. (look back at phone) 25 comments asking what’s wrong? (sigh happily & smile as you clutch phone to chest) My friends do care about me. . . . . . "

" . . . . . At least now I can start following people. Follow. Follow. Definitely follow. Oh, I have a follower. (Look proud) My first follower. BigGums? Weird name. They tweeted me. (Look confused as you read)   No, I don’t want to buy anything.  Maybe I should tweet something. (type) Hello twitter. What else should I say?  Uh . . . . (look up in air) uh . . . . .(bite lip) This is like doing homework. I thought twitter was supposed to be fun. (Look at phone) Great.  Another tweet from BigGums. . . . . . . "   

" . . . . I bet the people who live here don’t have these kinds of problems.  Probably the home of some hotshot Wall Street trader or someone like that. . . . (English accent) Good morning Jeeves.  Would you mind fetching me a spot of tea? And the Grey Poupon? (Igor accent) Yes, Master, whatever you say master. (English accent) Ta ever so.  Oh and I feel the urge to go boating this morning.  Buy me a new yacht.  A purple one this time. . . . . " 

" . . . . . . But (shake head sadly), I’m sorry,  I can’t be the oldest anymore.  I’m going to have to quit. . . . . . . Look around you.  (Gaze around hopelessly with arms spread wide)  This is the remains of my party.  . . . . .  Your youngest child spent the entire night singing (talk/sing as you fling one arm out to one side and then the other side saying) “Let it go, Let it go.”  Just those 3 words.  Nothing else.  The twins ate all the pizza and then Jack threw up on Sophia’s hair. (shudder & look disgusted)  . . . . . . 

" . . . . Normally, I’m a tomboy. (stand sort of cocky, legs a little apart with a tough attitude) I like my jeans, playing sports, and the only time I ever wear a dress is Christmas. . . . .  . . . . Doctor, what is wrong with me? Am I suffering from Glitteritis?  Glittermania?  You have to cure me.  (look a little crazed)  Because all I want to do is go shopping and buy ALL THE GLITTER. Save me Doctor Simons.  You’re my only hope."

" . . .  Lacis are the companion you have always longed for. Sophisticated, (body begins shaking all over as actress attempts to stop it by grabbing an arm or holding her head, etc as she keeps talking calming) superior, and the answer to your every whim or need.  Never too busy to chat, go out to eat or simply spend time together.  (Twitching and movements finally stops though actress is standing in a slumped, weird twisting position )   However, if you desire a . . . . . . desire a . . . . (stand blinking for a moment and then says) Abort.  Abort. . . . . (Returns to vacant smile as she manually places herself back in perfect position) Lacis truly are the perfect companion."

" . . . . I can see it all now. I’ll film a video of me playing and post it on Youtube. It will go viral (voice rising in excitement) and everyone will post about it. On Facebook, on Instagram, on Snapchat. Then I’ll start trending on twitter. Hashtag #UkeleleGal.. . . . . Of course I have to actually learn how to play the ukelele first.  . . . . What if I’m terrible on Youtube? And #UkeGalsucks starts trending on twitter?  . . . . . " 

" . . . .  What if I stand up there and open my mouth and nothing comes out?   And I’m just standing there like this (eyes frightened, mouth open in terror). And then everyone in school starts laughing at me and my life is ruined forever. . . . . . . . "

" . . . Everyone feels so sorry for Bo Peep and everyone always blames the sheep. And for years we, the sheep, have suffered in silence. (look determined) But no more. . because the rhyme says “Leave them alone.” Stop leaving us alone! Rescue us. If you’re too busy you could always send Wonder Woman or the Avengers. They’re good at rescuing. Just stop standing around waiting for us to come home. Sheep are important too. (look around a little embarrassed) Now does anyone know the way to the Bo Peep’s house? I tried to find it  but I got lost."

" . . . . .Here at the Bravery Academy, we touch you how to be brave.. . . . .  Exception Number 2. Dust Bunnies. (Point at audience) Stop laughing! Dust bunnies are everywhere.  They lurk under your bed. There you are innocently reaching down to pick something up and you feel one.  What am I touching? Is it a monster? WHAT IS UNDER MY BED?. . . . ."

". . . . .They don’t have cell phones, their TV’s are square boxy things and there is no internet. How do people live with no internet?  I can’t Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat and I haven’t taken a selfie since I got here. I’m so bored and the only thing on television are these weird shows like Bonanza and I love Lucy.  (frustrated)  I’m missing the final episode of The Voice!  I want to know who won. . . .  I want to go home.  I hate the 1950's!   . . . . (begging) . . . . . Please alien dudes take me home.  I’ll clean your spaceship and answer even more boring questions. . . . . "

"Anna, I am so happy we’re besties now.  And I’m so honored you shared your pain with me.  Caring for someone the way you do about Bryce when he likes someone else is so hard.  I want you to know that as your best friend I am going to do everything in my power to help Bryce see that you are the only girl for him.  (Look around and then as if telling a secret)  I wanted to share something with you too. . . . . . . )

" . . . . . . I wrote about doing a food drive.  My Mom told me it was too boring and then sent me a video demonstration of how I should do it. (Talk in rap sing/song voice and use lots of big gestures) You got no food, you got no home, You got no hope, you’re all alone. . . . . .Then my Dad saw the video my Mom sent and made his own video.  It was a ballet dance about homelessness.  At least I think it was a dance. He was rolling on the ground a lot.  . . . . . ."

"Elementary school?  That was easy.  From the minute I stepped into first grade, I owned that school . . . . . . Now I have to break in a whole new set of teachers and probably some new friends  . . . . . . . .  It’s all so exhausting.  Maybe I’ll make a list of my qualifications for Besties: Stylish - that’s a given. Smart -  in case I need someone to do my homework. Supportive -  because someone has to stand behind me when I’m head cheerleader. . . . . . . . "   

"Thank you for awarding me the Babysitter of the Year award. I love babysitting Toby and Tessa. As for our big adventure, we were on our way to the dentist when the elevator just stopped. (look concerned) I tried pushing buttons, I tried phoning; nothing worked. (concern deepens) We were trapped. Tessa burst into tears, crying that a witch will eat us.  Toby started screaming that he didn’t want to be eaten.  It was chaos! . . . . . "

"Mirror, mirror on the wall  (pause and then look at hand), well in my hand, anyway, Mirror, mirror in my hand. (bring both hands to mirror)   What is IT about football? (frustrated voice as you shake mirror a little) I don’t understand!  (Put mirror down with big sigh)   Today is the Pep Rally.  I have on my Team colors and I’m ready to paste on my perky smile (big fake smile) and yell Go Team!  It’s either that or be shunned by the rest of the class since everyone in this school does nothing all day but (clench teeth) talk about football.. . . . "

"I’ve been working very hard on perfecting my pout.  A perfect pout is not easy even with years of experience.  My first pout happened accidently.  I was six years old and I wanted a pony. (dreamy eyes) My own Little Pony.  But my parents kept saying no.  I was so frustrated and then it just happened.  My first pout. (open eyes very wide like a child and give a big exaggerated pout) The next day Mom and Dad bought me a pony.  Pouts were magical!  From that day on, I pouted. . . . . . "

" . . . . . . after dinner I watched a documentary on rocks. That was when my Mother had her meltdown.  (Start losing it in Mom voice)  “You’re watching a tv show about rocks? You’re missing Cassie’s birthday party.  They went to the movies to see the new Channing Tatum movie.  And you’re watching a tv show about rocks?  ROCKS?” . . . . . . (Deadpan delivery)  I don’t think my Mother likes rocks.  . . . . . I love my Mom but I want to live in a world where I have no idea what I’m doing next.  I don’t want to be usual or expected. (passionately) I say Death to Normalcy! But (draw the word but out) . . . .  I probably shouldn’t tell my Mom that.  . . . . . "

" . . . . . (Gesture at self proudly)  At my old school I was Miss Popular  . . . . . I have a list of requirements for everyone I ask to be in my entourage.. . . . .The most important of course is they MUST be stylish.  Hello person in sparkle jeans. Donde compras? American Eagle? Hollister?  Delias?  I love Delias.  (Look shocked)  Excuse me but has dicho Justice?  What are you 8? (Wave hand dismissively)  No, I’m sorry, just move along. . . . . . ."

" . . . . It’s not fair! How can my Mother do this to me? It’s cruel and unusual punishment. (Pause and nod significantly) And probably against the child care laws. What was she thinking? My Mother actually grounded me from the internet. . . . . . "My Mother says no one reads my tweets anyway.  Hello?  I have followers. Lots and lots of followers.  I saw the Avengers for the third time and I tweeted that “If the Avengers were really in charge, the world would be a better place.  AND CHRIS EVANS RETWEETED ME.  That’s right, Chris Evans, Captain America retweeted my tweet! . . . . . . " 

"Does anyone know how to spell incorrigible? Two R’s or one? Hmm. (Looks exasperated and then scribbles it out. Holds up paper as he recites) Let’s see, 2 children, ages 6 & 8, one male, one female, slightly disheveled but healthy, offered to highest bidder on ebay. Contact Iamlosingmymind@gmail.com. Don’t look at me like that. You don’t know what I’ve been through. . . . . . . . "

" . . . . Who writes these things?  None of the above. Again. One more question. If a boy asked you out but you’re just that not into him, you would: (again say each option in the British, Diva, dude and homeless voice)

    A.    Decline nicely making sure he knows you are out of his league.
    B.    Say “as if” and walk away.
    C.    Tell him Dude, it’s just not happening and punch his shoulder.
    D.    Become flustered and walk away unable to even reply.

(angrily stating) AGAIN.  NONE OF THE ABOVE.  And the survey says, (flip a page in the magazine and read) congratulations you have no personality at all.  Work on developing one.  Are you kidding me?  Just so you know Cosmo Teen, I have a wonderful personality. . . . "

"When I was little, I watched the movie “The King and I” on television. And when Yul Brynner held out his hand to Deborah Kerr (hold one hand out palm up) . . . . I knew that some how, some day, I would do that.  I would become a ballroom dancer. . . . . . So here I am.  My first dance lesson.  I pictured myself (dreamy voice) swooping around the room in a beautiful waltz as my tall, dark, Latin partner smoldered beside me.. . . .I was partnered with the teacher's assistant Gregorio.  He seemed to be everything I had ever dreamed of.  . . . . . I loved it and I think I did really well!  I thanked him and then he said (talk like a surfer dude) "Dude, it was rad!  See, I 'm just doing this dancing gig to pay off my Harley.  The teach always gives me the worse students."  . . . . . .?

"I am so confused.  One minute I’m walking down the hallway happy and carefree, and the next minute I see him. And it’s like (pause as if searching for the right word) time stops. It’s Rob Myers.  He’s a total geek but last night at the library (voice should become soft and dreamy) we talked. (dreamy gaze before shaking head and looking determined) But I have to get a grip. No one would ever understand my attraction to him so I have to rip this whole “lost in his eyes” nonsense out right now. . . . . . "

" . . . . . . . .Amazing what (pronoun it HEW MONS) humans have done. Especially (speak television as if unsure how to say it)  tel - e - vi - sion.  But as I was watching something called The Voice, I saw humans trying to be Sirens! (Shocked) How dare they? I am the only Siren! This has to be stopped! . . . . . "
    

". . . . .I’m a spy. A teenage spy.  My parents were spies, my grandparents were spies, it’s a family spying tradition.  So while most kids spend their weekends playing soccer or going to a movie, I spend mine jetting all over the world collecting information.  Believe me it’s not as exciting as it sounds. . . .  And spies are not much fun to hang out with. Everyone is so paranoid!  No one ever chats.  It’s always “Was that a shadow?”  “Did you poison my drink?”  “You didn’t answer me right away.  You’re lying!”  It gets old. (Roll eyes) . . . . . . "

"Dear Members of the Pumpkin Patch Pageant, thank
you for choosing me to be your Pumpkin Princess. However, I must decline this honor.  I’m sorry Mama, I know you have already printed Christmas Cards with me and my tiara on it. But Mama, I just can’t do it.  . . . . . . . This morning I got an email to come and pose for pictures.  I called Miss Gibson to tell her I couldn’t come because I had to study and she said “ You’re pretty.  You don’t have to study.” Excuse me?  I may be pretty but I do not plan to rely on my looks to succeed in life. . . . . . " 

". . . . . .Clearly I am perfect for the position. I mean, just look at me. I’m wearing Armani!  It was a PR move. My father has been so embarrassing on social media. (aside) Personally, I don’t believe parents should be allowed to use the internet. . . . .  And that video of me making fun of my English teacher was a . . . a parody.  Like James Corden’s carpool karaokes. (awkwardly sing, clearly making it up) “Mamma Mia, there he goes again, he has nose hair and is a stupid, stupid moron.”  Clearly a parody. . . . . "

 " . . . . . . .To help us get started Teach had us read Romeo and Juliet.  It was worse then when my little sister made me watch The Vampire Diaries and that was beyond horrible. (Strike a dramatic pose as recite) 

" . . . . . Boys are not part of the Doctor Plan. They’re too distracting. But I keep thinking about Casey’s eyes. (dreamy eyes) And his voice. (close eyes) And his body and what am I saying? (eyes open wide with panic) I have a chemistry test tomorrow. I have to focus. (clear throat, very business like)  The chemical formula of aluminum monofluoride is AIF.  The chemical formula of Casey’s eyes is Mossy Green. The chemical formula of . . . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  . . . . . "   

" . . . . . But my first attempt was a disaster. I walked up to her and opened my mouth to say “Hey Amy.  Want to catch a movie?” But nothing came out. Nothing! I just stood there with my mouth open, frozen in place. (stand there with eyes wide open in panic, mouth open, frozen in place) What a disaster! . . . . On my third attempt I finally said words. (sound triumphant) Words you could hear. Words you could understand. I walked right up to her, gave her a saucy wink (smile and wink) and said “Hey Amy! What about those Cowboys?” (Eyes widen in panic) Cowboys? COWBOYS? I don’t even like football. . . . . . " 

" . . . . . I wish they would stop talking to me.  Here comes more Humans and all of them are talking to me.  (tilt head to one side listening blankly again) Did I see what Ariana Grande tweeted?  Who is my favorite Kardashian?  What is a Kardashian?  (growing panic)  I have no files on Kardashians.  Are they insects?  Animals?  The Humans are frowning at me.  This is not good.  I am not blending.  I must use the code words.  (say words very distinctly) “Hey!  Who wants to take a selfie for Instagram?”  . . . . . . " 

" . . . . . . Where was that place we went with the crazy monkey?  I’ll just google. (type on ipad and then eyes widen in shock)  Is this a naked baby picture of me? On the internet?  Girls are going to see this. (Looks more getting more upset)  He drew a mustache on me? WHY AM I HOLDING A BRA? . . . . . .may I be excused?  I need to go home and change my name."  

"

". . . . . .  So my Mum is dating my English teacher.  Mr. Spencer's a cool dude. . . . I can be mature about this.  After all, it's not easy being a single Mum and dating is probably good for her.. . . . . . Wait.  Is that Mr. Spencer's jacket?  And his keys?  He spent the night?   . . . . . . . It's okay, I'm totally okay with all this.  It's healthy and normal and (break down yelling) I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS.  . . . . "

" . . . .How to survive?  It’s easy.  . . . . . Don’t post about it on social media.  You may think no one will see that “I’m so lonely, I miss your beautiful eyes” post you made at 3:00 am and immediately deleted, but trust me.  Someone saw it and screen capped it and will mock you with it forever.  Finally, move on.  Date anyone who will go out with you.  Even your 2nd cousin who looks like a squirrel.  . . . . ."

" . . . . . I decided to go home and took the short cut through the cemetery like I always do and then I saw Mrs. Murphy. She was just lying on the ground covered in dirt. And being the nice person I am, I went over to try and help her up.  Did I get thanked? Did I get rewarded for being a nice person? Noooooooooo.  I got bitten.  By Mrs. Murphy! Who is now apparently a zombie. Which means I’m a zombie.  A teenage zombie! . . . . . " 

" . . . . .I had my new driver’s license in my wallet, my Mom was in the passenger seat and I was ready for my first road test.  I expected my Mom to be a little nervous. Probably nag me about the speed limit, thing like that. That’s not what happened.  (Change voice to higher pitch to sound like the Mom with big terrified eyes)  “You’re in the ditch. Get over! Stay in the middle of the road. Stop! That was a mailbox. You just hit a mailbox. Why are you looking at me? Eyes!  Eyes on the road. Look out!  There’s a cow! (Voice rising louder & louder) Brake!  Brake! Brake!”

"A date. I have a date. With a boy. A cute boy. Finally! (Suddenly look worried and panicked) But I have nothing to wear.  I have looked at all my clothes. (repeat phrase loudly, slowly and emphatically)  And I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!  What am I going to do?   (Make a gesture with one hand to the side) That is my “I look like I’m 12 years old” clothes pile.  Boring t-shirts.  Ruffles.  And why is everything pink? . . . . "

"Dear Mom and Dad.  Hi! (waves very enthusiastically) I’m finally here. (fling arms in air happily)  New York City! It really is as big as it looks. I get lost a lot. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. I tried to send a letter but I couldn’t find the Post Office. I got on the subway to go there, but somehow I ended up in New Jersey. (tilt head confused) Subways are very confusing.  So (shrug) I decided to send you a video letter instead.  I looked for a job as soon as I got settled just like you told me to Dad. My first job was as a dog walker but it didn’t go very well.  I kept getting lost and once (tilt head confused again) I ended up in New Jersey again. And I never had the same amount of dogs at the end of the day as when I started. The dog walking people were not very happy about that. . . . . . )

"Best prank ever! I need a picture of me standing on a hill with the wind blowing my hair (toss head a little) and me looking off into the distance; the King of all I survey.  (thinking) King Prankster, King Hoaxer (snap fingers) I got it.  King Trickster. All hail the King. (sweeping bow) . . . . . . . . . .Adler freaked out!  He started yelling (panicked snooty British accent)  “Help!  Someone get help!  Call 911! Is he breathing?  Should I do mouth to mouth?”  AND that’s when I stood up.  I got detention again but it was worth it.  That prank was epic!  I am the King of Tricksters. (tilt head thinking)  I should probably make that my new profile name on Instagram.  . . . . . . ."

" . . . . . 75% of my grade.  If I fail the exam, I’ll fail the class.  If I fail the class, I’ll have to take it over again in summer school.  If I go to summer school that will be on my permanent records forever.  I HAVE TO PASS!  (Looking around the room) Maybe if I eat all that icky brain food while holding an elephant?  (take deep breath and look determined) No.  I’m going to forget about all this exam prep.  I’m just going to sit down and study.  And then I’m going to pass my exam.  I don’t need all this other stuff.  I can do it on my own.  Maybe I’ll just hold one elephant while I study.   Now, where’s my history book?"

" . . . . Get out of my brain Lord Byron. This is ridiculous. I am not going to the Prom with Jack Novak.  He may be gorgeous and charming but I have plans for my life. . . . . Besides we have nothing in common. Jack is too impractical for me. I came to his Bee fundraiser and a bee flew up my nose and stung me. (whining a little)  My nose swelled up and I looked hideous. We did raise a lot of money but I also had to suffer through a week of horrible bee puns. (mocking voice) Beeeee positive.  Don’t be a cry babe-Bee!  (Frustrated growl)  I hate bee puns.    

"Thank you for awarding me the Kettle Award for being the most brilliant candy maker in the world.. . .  celebrating my sheer perfection in candy making.  And a side note to that nanny Mary Poppins who likes to dash about warbling that she is “Practically Perfect in every way.”  Newsflash, I, Willy Wonka, AM perfect in every way.  Not practically, but perfect.  Put that in your carpetbag Miss Poppins.  

I happily dethrone my predecessor, Timmy Topps of Topps Confectionary who I see sitting out in the audience. (wave cheerfully) Hi Timmy!  How does it feel to be a loser?  Not to rub it in, but your newest candy - the chocolate circus peanuts?   They were really bad.  I took one bite and started throwing up.  Well, actually, the Oompa Loompas started throwing up.  I never eat anyone else’s candy. . . . "    

"Okie Dokie. I’ll get everything picked up in a jiffy. (drop smile and then give an embarrassed groan) Okie Dokie? Did I really just say okie dokie to one of the greatest stars in American theater? Note to self: Try to speak like a normal person and not an idiot in front of stage stars . . . . . "

"I hate Poetry!  How will a unit on Poetry help me in the real world?  No one ever became a millionaire by writing poetry. (tilt head thinking a moment) Except Dr. Suess.  His poems were cool. 

I would not eat it in a box , I would not eat it with a fox, I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am    ................."

" . . . . . (Pause, thinking)  Granted, Prince David is far more desirable than many of the men my Father has been parading past me this year. (eyes get a little dreamy) He seems to have actually read a book and his appearance is tolerable.  Broad shoulders, beautiful blue eyes, magnificent thighs . . . . (snapping out of it embarrassed) Actually I don’t care at all about his thighs.  I never even think about his thighs. (frustrated at self) STOP SAYING THIGHS!  (Deep breath and then calmly say) It doesn’t matter how attractive he is.  Prince David cannot saunter into my castle and purchase me like a piece of furniture from my Father. . . . . . . . "

"He’s ghosting me?  He broke up with me by blocking me on Instagram and now he’s ghosting me? Not even a text message to say  “Love ya babe but I need to move on”?  He just blocked me?  (put phone in pocket taking a deep breath to calm down)  If  you are going to break up with me, at least be dramatic about it.  Look at Titanic.  If Jack was going to break up with Rose, he would say . . . . . "

" . . . . . . .Last night Slim asked iffen he could kiss me. My Paw told me I ain’t old enough to be a kissing boys. That if a feller tried to kiss me I should jist spit in his eye. But Slim was talking all perty saying my lips were like cherries and that I was sweeter than cream and he had to have cream or die. And my stomach was gitting all fluttery again so I let him kiss me. It was plum wonderful. (dreamy gaze)  Course afterwards I had to punch him and run home, but I’m thinkin I might like kissing. . . . . . . . "

" . . . . .Most people don’t even believe in the Supernatural. Oh sure they watch the movies and read the books. But they go to sleep thinking the world is a safe and happy place. Until they find themselves staring into the eyes of a hungry werewolf. That happened to me. I rescued the dame but the werewolf was about to turn me into a pile of Kibbles and Bits when another werewolf loped into the room. And if there’s one thing a werewolf can’t stand, it’s another werewolf trying to steal his dinner. So I escaped while they were growling at each other. The next day my silver bullet and I took care of the town’s little werewolf problem. One less tortured soul howling at the moon. Thanks to Lucky Penny, Supernatural Private Eye. . . . . ." 

" . . . . After all the only thing you can see in the little squares is your head and shoulders.  I had a cute top.  I would be fine.  No would ever know I was wearing my rubber duckie pajamas.  (Pause) But I forgot that day was the day I had to give my special project report.  I was so flustered that I stood up and everyone started laughing.  And I’m pretty sure Beckett noticed me that day.  If not he could always catch it later on TikTok.  Yes, I am the girl in the rubber duckie TikTok.  2.5 million views last time I checked.  I hate virtual classrooms. . .  ."

" . . . . .I keep expecting my Mother to appear like some sort of Avenging Angel.  She hates cursing.  She calls it “Foul Language”.  (say a little stronger)  Anyway, damn.  Shit.  (smile and look more comfortable) This is easy.  I can do this.  The kids at school curse all the time and tease me because I don’t. . . . . . . "

"I’m a guy who likes to have a plan. I like to make lists. This morning I woke up and made my list for the day. (take list out of pocket)  Try to convince parents to move to another state.   Ask parents to start homeschooling me.  Never leave the house again. Doable. Maybe. It might take awhile to get some of these crossed off, but it’s doable (put list back in pocket) because I can never show my face in this town again. Last night my Promposal went viral. . . . . . "